The Pocket Money Scholarship and Dilemma

love aludo

I’m so stressed, I can’t even put it in words, struggling around not having my mastercard and now having to deal with good essay dilemmas ::: GOOD PROBLEMS, TIRED GIRL… #STRONG

I am finally at the other side of the computer, where the emails from candidates go.

It’s been two months since the campaign for the SHIP pilot scholarship ended and a month since the last submission we received.

This delay is due, in part, to all the stress I have had to go through since the 30th of April, in my life, and in part, maybe 20 percent, to school work.

I am extremely fatigued. My friends who I esteemed to be more than worthy to be judges for the essay did not fail me, I was mostly impressed by my married friend who has two kids,yet she put in all this diligence and time into marking the submissions I sent to her and she also sent remarks and voice notes commending the best and commenting on all of them , literally all. Girl Power!!! We’ll discuss that later 🙂


Another friend of mine, whom I have not been in touch with but admired from afar online was contacted and she instantly replied, it made me feel so much joy, all the judges, including the lecturer among them, completely surprised me. All my friends did me proud and helped make this marking impartial, unbiased and I love them all.


The anonymous marking was effective, almost all the grades from the judges were about the same per criteron, but at some point, we had to break ties, and there goes the dilemma. Only one winner, and I remembered what my sisters told me before I put out the announcement:, “Make it two winners and split it 50-50” lol, I should have listened.


But I really want a student with passion and zeal for improvement in the country to be awarded with the N100,000. Nigeria hardly rewards smart students.

The money I put down was supposed to be a charity for a student, I just wanted to reach out and connect to a student from a low-income home and shower the person with love, saying, don’t stress, here, buy what you need and read without thinking too much about the next meal or hostel rent. But the problem was choosing who it would be given to, and that’s why the competition was lunched. A part of me wants to give something to all the winners, or at least 3, but everything comes back down to me not having my Mastercard. Don’t get me wrong, their money is ready, it has been ready in naira in Nigeria since before the call was advertised, but to put in more money, or to even make the promise, I need to be able to transfer money home, and I can’t do that for the same long story that has got me confused and running around catch 22 since the beginning of May.


We got good essays, there will be a telephone interview, I want to give it to a student who had a good essay and who needs the money because their parents can’t afford to pay their way through school. So, God help me. I’m going to pray. I am at that side of the computer where the emails go, I am the one the candidates are indirectly referring to when they pray to win, so let God’s will be done, and let the person whose destiny it is to win this, take it home, and when I do get my Mastercard back from Rome, I “MAY” have to assist any other student who was part of the competition and from a low income background with some money for the next session.



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Christmas 2015

I wish I knew where to start from but I don’t. Most times the deepest feelings of joy are the hardest to write about(of every emotion actually)

I’m very surrounded by love. God has been more than faithful.

Sometimes I look back and thank God for how I survived living in my aunt’s house during my youth service, I have totally forgiven her but whenever I think of the extremities, drama, lies, hypocrisy and hurting someone just because you think they are ‘kids’ and no one will listen to them or maybe your children won’t even want to hear their side of the story, whenever I think of these, I just smile and thank God…my soul is beautiful, I won’t wait for anyone to say it to me. I feel divine and I know it’s a gift of God’s.


God’s love for me is ever so amazing. He made me go through that and I learned service, I learned how to live with cunningness and to survive hate. I learned to love more in spite of conspiracy, but it also had a negative effect, I see women leaders in church and just wonder who they’re torturing at home and what innocent girl they’re trying to bring down and why?

It’s Christmas, I’m meant to write a happy post, but every time I feel this immense love, and it happens all the time, I try to wonder what she hated in me. We cool now, but sometimes, thinking of where you’ve been helps you appreciate more, where you are and where God is taking you. I feel I’m still going to ask her some day what the matter really was from the start, I’m just curious, I want to know, or I just want to help, I’m curious, cos I can’t imagine treating any of my future nieces that way.


She doesn’t know the value of the forgiveness I offered, and from the way it seems, her kids think it’s the other way round, but I know what it cost me, even though I freely gave it, I feel great, the feeling you get when you let go of a huge amount of money for a great cause that offers you no returns, that feeling when they don’t know how much something costs but you and God do and it makes you feel closer to divinity, that feeling when you give joyfully and sacrificially but no one even knows it was you or knows what it costs you but it binds you closer to God’s heart, I feel so beautiful within, and I never ever give anyone the opportunity to make me hurt myself with unforgiveness, I remember Joseph smiling and saying to his brothers, (not with hate, but with sweet overwhelming tearful joy) “You meant it for evil but God…” I feel beautiful, I’m very surrounded by love, I have spent  the last 4 christmasses (including yesterday) without feeling like a slave, and it has been joyfully overwhelming…

I forgave the moment I packed my boxes and walked out that door that night, not knowing where I was going…It’s paradoxical to say this but that moment I walked out was  my “Father forgive them”…I don’t remember right now the face of any of the guys that were sent by a stranger in the UK (very impromptu) to come pick me from the front of my aunt’s house with my three boxes, to take me to his place where I slept that night but that was the beginning of my strange manifestations.


That’s when I exposed myself to the open arms of love waiting for me in the real world, where if there are streaks of envy and hate, I just smile, calm myself down and say “relax girl, you’ve seen worse and nothing can be worse than that”, to a zone where it’s just God and I, I see man in his frailty, mortality, animality, and I spread hope no matter what…everything else has been a  miracle, more love guys, more genuine love, less hate.

It was like a phase, that one year was like a curtain, I was innocent and naive, was having a great life, happy, strong (I’ve always been this one, and it’s God, I don’t know how), joyful, spreading cheers, then I passed through that unbelieveable one year, and came out still innocent but more aware of the negativity in my world. This is not good for children or someone much younger, it could damage them, but I’m happy I had it at the time I did, and I had a good sense of judgement, and it didn’t change me. In fact my song was love before, then it became more love.

I wish you all a beautiful end of year and i pray that God puts more good people on our way, and help us to continue to overcome, no matter what or who happens…close your eyes, smile and take it all the fresh air you can…you are beautiful within, guard your heart and stay joyful.

doreen and me

My charming niece (from a long family path) and i can’t ever wrap my head around hurting her, we’re too far apart in age and experience…family should be held most high, love.


More love guys, more Jesus.

#NP John Legend You and I