Christmas 2015

I wish I knew where to start from but I don’t. Most times the deepest feelings of joy are the hardest to write about(of every emotion actually)

I’m very surrounded by love. God has been more than faithful.

Sometimes I look back and thank God for how I survived living in my aunt’s house during my youth service, I have totally forgiven her but whenever I think of the extremities, drama, lies, hypocrisy and hurting someone just because you think they are ‘kids’ and no one will listen to them or maybe your children won’t even want to hear their side of the story, whenever I think of these, I just smile and thank God…my soul is beautiful, I won’t wait for anyone to say it to me. I feel divine and I know it’s a gift of God’s.

 

God’s love for me is ever so amazing. He made me go through that and I learned service, I learned how to live with cunningness and to survive hate. I learned to love more in spite of conspiracy, but it also had a negative effect, I see women leaders in church and just wonder who they’re torturing at home and what innocent girl they’re trying to bring down and why?

It’s Christmas, I’m meant to write a happy post, but every time I feel this immense love, and it happens all the time, I try to wonder what she hated in me. We cool now, but sometimes, thinking of where you’ve been helps you appreciate more, where you are and where God is taking you. I feel I’m still going to ask her some day what the matter really was from the start, I’m just curious, I want to know, or I just want to help, I’m curious, cos I can’t imagine treating any of my future nieces that way.

 

She doesn’t know the value of the forgiveness I offered, and from the way it seems, her kids think it’s the other way round, but I know what it cost me, even though I freely gave it, I feel great, the feeling you get when you let go of a huge amount of money for a great cause that offers you no returns, that feeling when they don’t know how much something costs but you and God do and it makes you feel closer to divinity, that feeling when you give joyfully and sacrificially but no one even knows it was you or knows what it costs you but it binds you closer to God’s heart, I feel so beautiful within, and I never ever give anyone the opportunity to make me hurt myself with unforgiveness, I remember Joseph smiling and saying to his brothers, (not with hate, but with sweet overwhelming tearful joy) “You meant it for evil but God…” I feel beautiful, I’m very surrounded by love, I have spent  the last 4 christmasses (including yesterday) without feeling like a slave, and it has been joyfully overwhelming…

I forgave the moment I packed my boxes and walked out that door that night, not knowing where I was going…It’s paradoxical to say this but that moment I walked out was  my “Father forgive them”…I don’t remember right now the face of any of the guys that were sent by a stranger in the UK (very impromptu) to come pick me from the front of my aunt’s house with my three boxes, to take me to his place where I slept that night but that was the beginning of my strange manifestations.

 

That’s when I exposed myself to the open arms of love waiting for me in the real world, where if there are streaks of envy and hate, I just smile, calm myself down and say “relax girl, you’ve seen worse and nothing can be worse than that”, to a zone where it’s just God and I, I see man in his frailty, mortality, animality, and I spread hope no matter what…everything else has been a  miracle, more love guys, more genuine love, less hate.

It was like a phase, that one year was like a curtain, I was innocent and naive, was having a great life, happy, strong (I’ve always been this one, and it’s God, I don’t know how), joyful, spreading cheers, then I passed through that unbelieveable one year, and came out still innocent but more aware of the negativity in my world. This is not good for children or someone much younger, it could damage them, but I’m happy I had it at the time I did, and I had a good sense of judgement, and it didn’t change me. In fact my song was love before, then it became more love.

I wish you all a beautiful end of year and i pray that God puts more good people on our way, and help us to continue to overcome, no matter what or who happens…close your eyes, smile and take it all the fresh air you can…you are beautiful within, guard your heart and stay joyful.

doreen and me

My charming niece (from a long family path) and i can’t ever wrap my head around hurting her, we’re too far apart in age and experience…family should be held most high, love.

 

More love guys, more Jesus.

#NP John Legend You and I

 

 

 

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